Tuesday, September 1, 2009

The Status Updates I DIDN'T Post

Some people obsessively update their FB status, Twitter or Twoozer accounts, and even MySpace Moods, micro-documenting even their most mundane & ubiquitous moments. Here are the last 25 Status Updates I DIDN'T post for the sake of peace on earth & all humanity.

1) Lorelai Kude hates standing behind FSU people at the ATM, being downwind of stale vodka is never fun.

2) Lorelai Kude isn't your girlfriend, and most importantly - you are not her boyfriend. Got that?

3) Lorelai Kude is having a dental floss emergency.

4) Lorelai Kude is going to de-friend you for pilfering her Friends List and sending creepy messages to her single girl friends.

5) Lorelai Kude ... "Don't fuck with me, gentlemen!" (Joan Crawford, "Mommie Dearest" - Joan's response to the PepsiCo Board of Directors when they try to ease her out after the death of her PepsiCo CEO husband).

6) Lorelai Kude is recruiting candidates for the Pharmaceutical Exchange Program. What do you have a Script for?

7) Lorelai Kude loves Moroccan men. Period.

8) Lorelai Kude does not look both ways before she crosses.

9) Lorelai Kude ... Live recklessly but take precautions.

10) Lorelai Kude ... don't bogart that joint, my friend!

11) Lorelai Kude needs new bathroom reading material.

12) Lorelai Kude ... freestylin' with Rebbe Nachman

13) Lorelai Kude needs fresh blood.

14) Lorelai Kude is running for Prime Minister on the Health & Safety Ticket. 1st act upon taking office - revoke all Israeli drivers licenses & not reinstate until mandatory anger management courses are completed.

15) Lorelai Kude wants some credit for never, ever, EVER mentioning or alluding to her 11-week marriage & divorce experience in a social networking environment. Oops!

16) Lorelai Kude misses her children every day, whether they like it or not.

17) Lorelai Kude's impact upon Frum Fashion is reflected in the Bloomers as Outerwear trend currently in vogue on the streets of Jerusalem!

18) Lorelai Kude is not a stalker, no matter what eccentric billionaire Paul Allen might think.

19) Lorelai Kude's date exclaimed, "You are not a kitchen woman!" after watching her attempt to dress a salad. "You are so right my friend, the kitchen is not my room of expertise."

20) Lorelai Kude wonders why the Talmud Bavli and the Talmud Yerushalmi are not equally popular.

21) Lorelai Kude is pirating your wireless connection - thanks, bro!

22) Lorelai Kude can type 90 wpm in a coma.

23) Lorelai Kude wonders if a married guy says his wife doesn't mind if he sleeps around and he won't give me his wife's phone number so I can verify that, is this a sign he's lying?

24) Lorelai Kude's phone is on vibrate.

25) Lorelai Kude has a fallafel hangover.

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